This was quite an unusual request…I have gotten a request to review an award winning…porn movie…
So if your 18 and under (like myself, wait what?)Wait… fuck it, your going to read it anyway! Also, alert! I will be very sexist in this review!
I will be reviewing Pirates XXX (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_(2005_film)
The movie is about some Lieutenant guy and his ship trying to fight off other pirates and having a good time doing it…Pirates and ship men.
Scene 1: The first scene begins with Manuel pondering around while his(later established) wife is dressing up from being completely naked. Manuel then thinks loudly how he wishes to see her body and his maiden lady tells him patience is a virtue. I got a little smirk from the dialogue…I don’t know if it’s the cheesiness or because of the humour. She is dressed up in her night robe and then they proceed to have sex….what the…Didn’t she just tell him to wait? And why did she just dress up? Anyway, Manuel then proceeds to give her a…pleasant time. Also included in this wonderful scene is a pleasing…fuck it, a boob job. Afterwards they basically cycle through several “famous” positions, including the famed blay jay. In the end of the scene our friend Manuel (who if your wondering isn’t Mexican) finishes on her cat. I just want to say at this point that I don’t encourage unprotected sex because your memory of finishing on the cat will get lost, but Herpes won’t… The actors in this scene are hot! (The girl, I am not gay but the guy is good looking I guess)The girl has a rather large chest (Id say D) and shaved all around up and DOWN…she is blonde and has a tattoo left and up from the cat. Her behind is quite average and god damn it I sound like a sexist bastard but I can’t help it.
Oh and then we are shown that all of this was in a guys mind… He was reading a journal and all of this pictures came in his mind…What a sick fuck! I can’t even have such a detailed sex fantasy and I am the self proclaimed king of pervs! Then we are automatically introduced to yet another sex scene. The ship leader wonders how one of the girls on the ship keeps his men spirits high. Then we are shown to a hot scene that includes a girl that has a tattoo on the other side with a quite a nice ass (if you like a woman to have SOME curves) about same as the other woman’s breasts and quite a worker of the flout…to say the truth. The guy then licks her down there (and by the way she has the most perfect shave ever). He then proceeds to do her on the side and then the girl takes over being on top. He then fills her mouth with a yogurt like product, I am not sure what that is… Throughout this scene we are shown twice the captain hearing some orgasm noises and smiling…Told you, perverted fuck.
The next scene is talking…blab la, who cares I want sex! Well if some people care there are quite a few Pirates of the Caribbean references and the captain tells us that he isn’t a good captain and all this stuff that nobody cares about. I can safely say that this will bring a smirk to your face and maybe an all out laugh. Great dialogue and not that bad of acting (Their no Harrison Ford though, guys)
They finally find an island that’s full of pirates (Pirates of the Caribbean style!). Oh god there’s an Asian guy that has no talent what so ever and is so bad, that his funny. As the scene progresses we see the Captain meeting two girls and one of them introduces herself by grabbing herself and putting it on her chest. Then the Captain proceeds to grab the other girls chest and she smiles and introduces her name…oh, what a wonderful world…I wish it was like that in reality…
Then we see those two girls take the Captain inwards and there they meet another girl. The other girl proceeds to kiss the Captain because the other two were kissing each other…and one of the two say that their his. The Captain during this scene miss pronounces some words that also put a smirk on your face. They then move to a bed and while he has two naked (smoking hot) girls he still goes on about the values of a pirate hunter. The girls asked him what his favourite fantasy was and again I wish all girls would ask that! Then they proceed to go down below on him with one being in a 69 position and being the secondary officer in the attack against the Great Cock Mountain. He then proceeds to have sex in many positions with just one girl at a time, which is not very imaginative…I can think of a thousand ways to combine both girls…wait, no I didn’t just say that. They also do this one position which I have never seen before and it looked interesting.
I am skipping a couple of scenes because they’re plain boring…A fast review of them is a guy playing sad and having sex with the second scene girl, then the girl finds out and leaves.
Then we see the Captain being praised by three girls, two of them being the two from the two on one scene. The pirate is so cocky in this scene that it’s just amazingly hilarious (Jack Sparrow). He finds out that his main rival is on the island and is hyped. The girl that kissed him in the beginning of the scene with the two girls is a fanatic and rips his clothes as if he was a rock legend.
The hot woman from the second scene sneak’s up on the legendary pirate and see’s him torturing an old man. He is trying to find where an Indian lives…well in India, dumbass…duh.
In the next scene we see Manuel from the first scene being shown is being sacrificed to the gods…I guess? No explanation. Wait, the ship girl is there…so it wasn’t a flash back after all…Damn this is confusing…Well so it wasn’t a flashback…They just included the first scene for no reason…completely useless. After being stabbed in the stomach images of exotical places, monuments and a skeleton (which I be is bad news) are projected and both pirates and the...Ill call her Ass…and Ass seem amazed…What can they be and why he stabbed him in the stomach, I don’t know. He is somehow still alive and they put him back onto the ship.
Ass escapes and they are confronted by the guy that lied to her and was crying when she was leaving. And he says that they are both “gonna” die (Butthurt).
Manuel’s wife then is captured and taken somewhere where there are a lot of pirates. She is tied up and the girl that captured her proceeds to undress her and lick her pussy. Being the Undeceive bitch she is…she tells the abductor to stop undressing her and then she immediately changes to don’t stop please it feels good. This doesn’t happen once…It’s about two times and then she voluntarily has sex with her abductor. They kiss lick finger…All the shebang…This gave me such a boner. Oh! And they also did something Mr.Garrison likes to call scissoring, quite the position I must admit.
They show us the crybaby wanting to burn a house down that we assume has Ass and the Captain inside, he is kind of reluctant but the other guy persuades him. In this movie you are treated in probably the most craptastic CGI since the 80’s…Okay, the Capain is a complete asshole…this is straight from the movie.
Ass:”Edward I smell something burning”
Captain: “It’s probably your pussy from all the action it’s been getting
He is my idol.
That crazy ass bitch that ripped Edwards clothes off couple of scenes back somehow found them and isn’t untying them. He wants Edward to prove that he loves her (what a bimbo). She asks him to make love to her. Okay, I wouldn’t even do that ….the whole damn place is burning up. After they escape, he ties her up on a tree and promises he’ll be back. This guy is a LEGEND! Fuck Stiffler, this guy is it.
Oh shit, okay…I know this movie would include some pirate sex…So we see some intense sex, this is the hardcore sex scene. It’s very good and the girl gets into it very fast. I liked it and I think you will too but just think their normal, they aren’t pirates.
The next scene shows Ass asking Undeceive what happened and she explains. Ass understands and then tells her that most men like woman on woman action (Guilty as charged) and then explains that a woman understands how a woman needs to be touched. Then they proceed to have one heck of a scene…again boner alert. Its also hardcore fingering and they are rather energetic in this one also. It was quite the treat. They also do a lot of rubbing in this scene in very creative positions.
We see our crew fight against skeletons capture the staff and then defeat the pirates. Undeciecive is also joined up with Manuel again and they make sweet sex in just two positions with the girl being on top on both.
Back at the skeleton fighting the Pirate captain left the girl he had sex with behind and our Pirate hunters saved her. The last scene is with Ass and her and it’s probably the most sensual scene in the movie. A lot of hair grabbing, a lot of sexy kissing and a lot of movement. There is also hardcore fingering and rubbing which again gave me a boner.
In conclusion in terms of storyline it was all over the place and at times I had to skip because it was boring, but when the Captain is in the scenes its guaranteed humour. The sex scenes are good but I like the woman on woman a lot more than the woman on man action. The characters (females) are all blonde except the first lesbian scene (pirate, undeceive) which sucks because a little more variety would be good. I can safely say that most chests of the actors are plastic. I can only safely say that the last pirate’s were real…all others were mostly “eh I don’t know”.
As a closing line, I slap dat junk 3 times throughout the movie and that’s in the lesbian scenes…they were awesome. The man on woman action is mediocre to poor because it’s just the same old shit. I only liked two of the characters: The Captain and the Asian guy because the Asian guy just seems so out of place and the Captain is cockier than me.
I had fun writting this...and watching *wink*